Am I being dramatic? Or lying to myself? I’ve grown up with separated parents, never married and my father was not in my life since I was 5, I’m now 22. I struggle with depression, anxiety, add, and an eating disorder, I never really cared that my father was around because my mom knew how to fill that part of my life. But it’s been rough, I’ve lost my uncle who I considered my older brother (24 now) to schizophrenia and he’s now a completely different person unrecognizable even though he’s a lot better now, and I also lost my great grandpa who passed around 2019, I also lost my grandma to dementia who’s now in a retirement home but she’s not here anymore, she might recognize us but the worst part of that is seeing my mom see her mom like that. I love my mom and it breaks me to see my mom be so depressed. And to branch off from that, me and my mom have been through much, she never really had much luck with partners with some being abusive to her mentally mainly and once physically, and I was there to experience nearly all of it. And it terrified me every time, then she finally broke that barrier & stopped dating and seeked therapy, which I respect and I’m doing as well. But now even while in therapy, taking medication I recently started partaking in, I still feel empty, lazy, content with being nothing, some days wishing I didn’t exist. And that if I didn’t exist I’d rather do that because at least life wouldn’t be so difficult, I don’t feel sorry for myself and I’ve always done my best to do my part & get to uni & become a therapist, because I do love helping people, I know I’m kind of just rambling but I just wish there was a way to break that mold of i don’t want to be here, I’ve never had anyone truly care for me emotionally as my mother yes did care for me well, but there will always be a barrier between us. So it’s always just been me, even in friendships and relationships.