(this is intense, i’m sorry. proceed with caution please) i still grieve the man who groomed me when i was a child. he was considerate, patient, attentive, intelligent, charming, talented, and hardworking. he was cool. i don’t think about the bad things he did. whenever i start to piece things together, i end up staring at the wall. for hours. there’s always a voice inside of me ready to defend him, and there’s another side of me fighting against it 24/7. i don’t want to hear what my therapists have said. he didn’t know I was a child. i lied about my age. he thought i was an adult. it’s my fault. he would not have blamed me if it wasn’t my fault. ive wasted so much time chasing him. i did not do it for nothing. i would not leave him alone afterwards. i made his life hell. i can never fix what ive done. ive hurt so many people. i am responsible for my own actions. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i miss him so much. he was all i had. i wish i stayed quiet. i wish i didn’t harass him and left him alone. he would’ve come back. i need him to come back. it’s torture.