I'm actually so pathetic. I don't even know what I'm writing. I've always been alone, pretty much my whole life. I never had any friends, any one I can call my 'best friend' or even a 'friend' but it's okay! I've accepted that I will never get a friend. Ever since I could remember, I have always been a quiet kid. Was it because I was shy? Did I have anxiety? I don’t know, I really don’t. I’ve always been left out of things, even by teachers. I was always made to feel belittled, unnoticed, and people treated me badly. I didn’t have any friends and if I did make any, they always betrayed me or left me out too. I felt like an outsider and incapable of things. I never raised my hand in class. I'd sit there not knowing how or what to do but I would never ask for help. And when I had the courage to finally raise my hand and ask for help the teachers ignored me. They would just walk past me and go to others, as if I wasn’t a student. I've always been a slow learner. Or felt like I was. I could never speak up. I had a hard time just asking if I could use the washroom, the simplest, smallest things felt impossible for me to do. I always wished that I could raise my hand answering to the teacher, even if I wasn't 100% sure it was correct. I wish I could've been wild in gym class and participate and enjoy the fun like everyone else. If it were sports or a game, everybody seemed to be having so much fun. People with and without friends were enjoying themselves, except me. I never fit in. Nobody ever liked me as a classmate. Was it because of my lack of participation and my quietness? I don't know. It seemed like l was the only one not able to do the things everyone else was doing. I felt so alone all my life. I never walked into the school doors without my stomach in a knot and a tornado of anxiety twirling through my body. I couldn't read out loud, not even a small sentence. I couldn't answer when called on, not even a singular word. I couldn't even put my head down to play 'heads down thumbs up. They belittled me so much, it actually hurts how much people always ignore me, when I never did anything wrong. As I'm writing right now, I don't have a single friend. I know people are always like " go have some fun, hang out with friends, don't waste your teenage years locked up in ur room" but if only it was that easy. I even changed my school to online because of this. I've gotten to a point where being around anyone just makes me very anxious, like I used to HATE being treated like I'm invisible or something, but now, that's all I want, all I wish for. I don't want anyone to ever notice me. I hope no one remembers me, not even family. It's so cruel of me to say this, my family has been nothing, but so sweet and kind. They treat me with so much honour and love. I'm a really bad person for even wishing for them to forget about me, but I just don't want a human being remembering my existence. I’m so sick of everything and everyone. Why do I always try to get validation from other people? Did I not learn my lessons? Ugh I’m so sick of myself I just wanna escape to somewhere where I would never ever be seen again like forever and ever. I genuinely don’t even feel anything towards anyone or anything. I’m just exhausted from everything. I honestly just wanna be by myself, alone, somewhere where no one will ever lay eyes on me. I hope people forget about me and never ever remember me at all. I wish to be unnoticed, invisible, nonexistent. I just don’t want to see or interact with any human being at all. I don’t even know what I feel writing this. I'm so sorry to whoever reads this. i'm sorry for wasting your time. I know no one will read this, no one even cared to ever notice me, so if you do read this, thank you. I wish the best for you in everything. I hope ur happy.