i lived with an abusive father that ended up hitting me one night. couldn’t live there anymore, so i moved into an apartment with my boyfriend. i was finally happy. i finally had a safe home even though we couldn’t afford anything. i didn’t mind having nothing with him, because i loved him and we were together and that’s all that mattered to me. but then only two weeks into living together, i found out he was cheating on me the entire relationship. i was so angry and didn’t know what to do. i had just moved in so what could i really do? i broke up with him and things were weird for a while but then we were working on things. a couple months later and things were a lot better. but one day i walked in on him watching porn. i went through this phone and saw him messaging other girls again. i was disgusted and told him i would never be his girlfriend ever again. i meant that. but it’s hard when i live with him. and so we would sometimes get intimate. every time he tried to kiss me or touch me i would tell him that it didn’t change the way i felt, and that i was still sticking to what i told him. after a while i felt really disgusted with myself. i didn’t like that i was allowing him to still be intimate with me. especially because he would constantly do things that proved that he didn’t respect me. i tried to cut that sexual intimacy out but we would occasionally sleep cuddling with each other. i guess i just craved his comfort. but when i would try to sleep i would sometimes wake up because i was being groped. i would tell him repeatedly that i didn’t want him to do that and he would be like oh my gosh i’m so sorry. so before we would sleep next to each other i would ask him to please not grab my body in that way. he would say okay yet occasionally i would wake up because he was still doing it. i got tired of it so i completely stopped physical touch with him. one night we were watching tv sitting on the couch and i fell asleep. i woke up in the morning with his hand on my crotch. he was touching me lightly as if trying not to wake me. it fully woke me up when i realized what he was doing and i kicked him. he didn’t say anything. i went off on him later that day and he said he didn’t understand why i was so upset. he said he thought i was awake and wanted it. he said i had liked it before so why is it wrong of him now? i was so upset and didn’t speak to him for a while. but i could only go so long without speaking to him. he would get very moody when i was upset, and i guess due to childhood trauma i would begin to worry and want to make up. so we did. and then the cycle would start again where we would be mildly affectionate and then things would progress into something more. one night we made out and it gave me a sick feeling but i allowed it. then it started getting more intimate and i was unclothed. he asked if he could remove his clothes and i hesitated. i was nervous. i still didn’t want to have sex with him. i didn’t say anything and he stared at me. i finally gave in and said yes but that i did not want to have sex with him. he said okay and and removed everything then proceeded to put himself inside anyways. i kind of froze in that moment and realized what he did and pushed him away from me. he just stared at me and didn’t say anything. i locked myself in my room and was shaking. i was so scared, i wasnt sure what he might do. the next day he acted like nothing happened and even asked if his friends could come over. i felt like an idiot because i could’ve prevented that situation from happening at all. i told someone about it and they said it’s not my fault but i can’t help but feel like it is. i put myself in the that position and i should’ve known he wouldn’t respect me after i had been disrespected multiple times before this. i didn’t want to move back home because i felt it would be worse there so i still stayed living with him. on my birthday i woke up to him fondling me too. and yet after all that disrespect, i would still occasionally allow him to touch me for his own pleasure. i didn’t even want it, im not sure why i allowed it. every time i felt disgusting and empty. and yet for some reason i would still allow it. i feel that maybe there’s something wrong with me. i must be seriously sick to have allowed it still. well i put up with him for a year and finally moved out of there last month. i haven’t talked to him and for some reason i miss him. he made me feel so completely worthless and disgusting, and somehow i still have space in my heart to miss him. what’s wrong with me??