Reach out to them

Hmm I’m in strangly similar situation, I had a samesex best friends of 10 years who I loved truly and deeply but when I realised that the nature of my affection isn’t strictly platonic I got super scared and started doing weird stuff to convince them that I’m not worth being their friend and when I didn’t work out I just simply ghosted them, it’s been almost 5 years and there wasn’t a day when I haven’t thought about them, I regret it every single second and only recently, as an adult I started to accept that it was due to internalised homophobia. I think you will never be free unless you reach out for closure. I don’t have details or whether it was you or them who cut contact but other way to mourn those feelings closure seems to be the only way. Hope you can recover tho and that you both can be happy again <3