I'm notttt exactly sure which topic to put this under but it's my third post hereeee,,,, woohooooo!1! HIHIHIIII !1 ,,,. my goody gang n welcome back to my insanity episodes!! I made the previous post n the one on sh... n I replied twice to another poor soul suffering from low self esteem like me, but now it's really getting me thinkin'.. How exactly do you like yourself? It may sound like as silly question (which I ask plenty of) but I genuinely don't know .. :( when all you've known all your life is self hatred n people pleasing n my literal trauma reponse is to ignore n shrink my own needs to appease those around me due to the lack of affection from peers call it masking or whatever you please ,,,,I do indeedy have autism btw ^_^(I have a very healthy family it ain't they're fault they're worried sick ab me n helping me through this as well as my actual friends ! Yeah I grew up lonely but finally FINALLY..)) or simply lack OF friends growing up. All I see is my flaws. I have very low self esteem to the point I'm passively suicidal. I'd be glad if I was dead. I'm a hypersensitive dramatic crybaby n ik damn well I'm pathetic. how do I learn to love what I despise? That everytime I look in the mirror I cry? Everytime I hear my stupidly high pitched annoying voice I cringe n get embarrassed? I feel like such a burden that I genuinely don't believe I deserve compliments. I don't think I deserve to live. I'm horribly insecure n I'm that so well. I feel guilty simply intaking calories. I apologise profusely to ppl who are my friends cuz I constantly think I'm inconveniencing them by existing in their presence. So I overcompensate.I drown ppl in love n kindess n affection. It's not simply guilt tho,, I love making ppl happy , seeing them smile, it brings me joy n purpose in life, has been for as long as I can remember. That's all that matters to me. I think thats the problem. I simply don't care what happens to myself. "you're a people pleaser," a past freind of mine said that once, it still haunts me. She does, "mistreated, misunderstood and left behind" "you need to learn how to love yourself too" ,, "you have a heart , and I hope it stays kind" paraphrased slightly n I'm scared ab how I'm beginning to not remember her anymore, I'm slowly forgetting her sigh, but what she said was so true. I got reminded of her very recently,,, maybe I'm making this post simply in memory of my idol. I love her dearly, she was like an older sister to me, A, I miss you.